Dr. Carneiro or: How I should learn not to stop the game and love the boss


Hundreds of journalists this week have condemned Jose Mourinho for his treatment of Eva Carneiro and Jon Fearn after they wrongly ran onto the pitch to treat Eden Hazard near the end of Chelsea’s 2-2 draw with Swansea. According to multiple sources, his condemnation of the pair has just been an attempt to deflect media attention away from his team’s bad performance.

In truth, Carneiro and Fearn’s laissez-faire ignorance of Mourinho’s neurosis almost certainly cost Chelsea the three points they needed for a positive start to their title defence. Despite being down to ten men and with only 90 seconds of the game remaining, Chelsea were about to score the winner, and if Carneiro had have more usefully directed her medical expertise towards Mourinho, a quick exam would’ve revealed that he could feel it in his bones.

The worrying reality is that over 90% of the journalists covering this story are male, and have been waiting a long time for a valid excuse to scour Getty’s image database for the Carneiro image which is “just right”, whilst also belittling handsome Jose who, research shows, is four times more charismatic and has thrice the sex appeal of the average football journalist.

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Some have called for the media to simply judge the football rather than give oxygen to off the pitch controversies, but they were rebuffed when it was pointed out that if Carneiro and Fearn were off the pitch, there never would have been a problem. While Carneiro expressed her views on Facebook like any credible doctor would, Jon Fearn was strangely absent and unavailable for comment in the aftermath of the event. He was later found hiding in Carneiro’s shadow.

Mourinho has retrieved the pair of their touchline duties. He also delivered his own personal retribution by repeatedly liking and disliking Carneiro’s Facebook post to keep her phone buzzing irritatingly for the rest of the evening. Latest reports have confirmed the pair can return to the bench in the future, once they’ve completed Mourinho’s internal education program, titled How to piss off absolutely everyone in football and somehow still be likeable.

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